Embracing the Authenticity of Our Humanness
I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence. —Frederick Douglass
“Maybe it’s not authentic to you.”
I’ll never forget when my (therapist) friend said this to me in the midst of a struggle. The notion that I didn’t have to contort myself to accommodate this demand changed my life.
As a young therapist, I was struggling to implement an intervention that was part of a program I was working in. I felt frustrated with myself for not being able to do it, and I didn’t like how it felt. I hadn’t even considered that perhaps it was a bad fit for me and not a personal failing. I was struggling with it because it didn’t resonate for me as a clinician, and it wasn’t how I wanted to practice.
Early in our careers as clinicians, we often work in agencies or systems that require us to deliver services in a certain way. We are told what modalities we can and cannot use, we have to meet metrics/quotas, work long hours, and are often seeing too many clients in one day. It’s hard to find what feels right when we work in a system, are inexperienced in our craft, and are being told what to do and how to do it.
What does it even mean to be authentic?
In an article entitled, The Role of Authenticity in Healthy Psychological Functioning and Subjective Well-being, Goldman and Kernis state that authenticity is “the unobstructed operation of one’s true or core self in one’s daily enterprise.” They further explained that it is comprised of four components related to “awareness, unbiased processing, behavior, and relational orientation” (2002). Essentially, authenticity is awareness of both our proficiencies as well as liabilities, as well as the ability to objectively assess our positive and negative self-aspects, attributes, and qualities. It’s also whether we act in accordance with our own values rather than engaging in behavior that is defined by externally imposed goals and instead, strive to achieve openness and honesty in close relationships (Goldman & Kernis, 2002).
Why is authenticity something to strive for?
Rivera et. al., (2019) found that “authenticity is positively linked to measures of subjective happiness, self-esteem, and life satisfaction” as well as relational satisfaction. Additionally, they propose that authenticity can promote resilience, including the ability to manage challenging emotions such as loneliness, depression, and anxiety (Rivera et. Al, 2019).
To me, authenticity is the ability to see ourselves for who we are and be ourselves in the world, without having to make ourselves bigger or smaller, and without having to pretend to be something we are not. If I can be myself (authentic), I will have fewer mental health symptoms because I’m acting in alignment with my values, beliefs, and how I want to show up in the world. In other words, what’s on the outside is also on the inside.
In November 2020, I was at another point in my life in which I felt frustrated as a clinician. I was lacking confidence in myself and my delivery of EMDR, so I signed up for another advanced training. It was a time in my life where I was doing training after training, in an effort to get as much information as possible, thinking that would make me feel more confident. Unfortunately, anyone who has been in a similar position knows that the answer wasn’t as easy as taking yet another training, but this training was different.
I was given permission to practice in a way that felt right for me.
The trainer was talking about attachment styles and how they inform and impact our therapeutic relationship. She talked about the unique relational challenges for both therapist and client. They spoke openly about the importance of noticing countertransference, normalizing it because we all experience it (gasp!), and explained how we can use it to inform how we show up and how we make clinical choices.
The trainer explained using interweaves in reprocessing in a way that was more robust than we learn in EMDR Basic Training. They shared what an adaptation is, and how what we learn to do to help us manage our childhoods is now getting in the way as adults…for therapists as well as for clients! They encouraged us as therapists to be curious about how we are showing up for our clients.
It’s not about knowing, it’s about being.
While I did not immediately feel confident in the way I was applying EMDR psychotherapy, I knew that this way of thinking and practicing was what I wanted and needed. I discovered that my striving to be better and better was taking me out of myself and away from the reason I became a therapist. I learned that it is ok to be me in the therapeutic setting.
Being the best therapist I can be requires me to be my authentic self.
“Maybe it’s not authentic to you.”
This has been with me ever since. I check in with myself when something is a challenge for me. Is this something I need to figure out by trying harder or approach it from a different angle? Or is it something that isn’t for me? When it’s the latter, I’ve learned to let it go rather than to keep trying.
Maybe you feel like you can only be your true self around one or two people, a beloved pet, with your online gaming community, with a group that you affiliate with, when engaged in a hobby or special interest, or in a particular situation, and that’s great — quality over quantity! So many of us struggle to connect with people that we feel safe enough with to “let our guard down,” and let them see who we are — including the messy, weird, and difficult parts of our humanness.
How this applies to clinical practice and EMDR
Recently, I was in consulting with a colleague who was trying to sort out whether EMDR fit her practice anymore. She strayed from it over time, because the way she learned it didn’t feel authentic— it felt too manualized, rigid, and detached. We were able to find a way for her to be authentic with EMDR psychotherapy, by bringing more of what is truly to her, into the process.
Another consultee seeking consultation for certification reported she felt stifled by the protocol and had “taken liberties” within it. When we reviewed her therapeutic approach, she wasn’t straying from the protocol much at all; she was simply trying to be more relational, because that felt authentic to her. She learned that she didn’t have to choose between protocol and person. They go hand in hand.
Bringing a more relational element to EMDR and using it as a psychotherapy vs a tool feels right for me—it allows me to show up as me in session with my clients. When I am able to be me, and work in a way that feels right for me, my clients benefit. I can model for my clients that it is ok for them to be themselves, both with me and in the spaces they occupy with others.
Are you struggling with something that doesn’t feel authentic to you? Perhaps it’s not a personal failing or flaw that you need to work harder at trying to master. It may be that you choose to leave a situation that no longer serves you. Maybe, just maybe, you will find your authenticity in whatever it is you are struggling with, either by owning it or letting it go.
Want to know for sure? Notice what it feels like in your body when you are in your authentic self…
Note- this blog was written in Autumn 2024. It feels appropriate to add the following addendum-
A lot of us have the privilege of having spaces in which we are able to let our guard and defenses down; be ourselves without any thought.
Right now it’s important to be cognizant of the fact that many are lacking a sense of safety in this world. Fear is forefront for many humans.
Now its more essential than ever to have someone, anyone, a group of others, no matter how small.
To both have and be able to provide a safe space for authentic and honest fear, grief, uncertainty, or whatever else is coming up, is imperative. For some folks the ability to be themselves no longer feels like an option in many, or most spaces. Instead of encouraging authenticity in all spaces, we need to be sensitive to the fact that safety needs take priority over authenticity for many right now.
Healing trauma with EMDR is so much more than “just” targeting a memory— it’s about healing the whole person and helping them be in relationship to themselves, world, and its people differently. It’s about not just clearing the target, but also about co-creating a new relational experience in that moment, with the therapist.
Just like we help our clients find their power in powerless situations, we need to do that—and more— now. We can help our clients and each other develop and strengthen emotional flexibility in order to more accurately discern not just danger but also safety. The more regulated we can all help each other be is essential– the clearer our thoughts can be, and we have more choice.
REFERENCES:
Goldman, Brian & Kernis, Michael. (2002). The role of authenticity in healthy psychological functioning and subjective well-being. Ann. Am. Psychother. Assoc. 5. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/251802973_The_role_of_authenticity_in_healthy_psychological_functioning_and_subjective_well-being
Rivera, G. N., Christy, A. G., Kim, J., Vess, M., Hicks, J. A., & Schlegel, R. J. (2019). Understanding the Relationship Between Perceived Authenticity and Well-Being. Review of General Psychology, 23(1), 113-126. https://doi.org/10.1037/gpr0000161